A lasting trend that has swept the world from
yoga studios to therapists’ offices is the easily spouted, yet not-so-easily
mastered concept of mindfulness. The
practice of mindfulness comes in varying forms, all promoting differing
activities to achieve a state of unhindered mindfulness, which is supposed to
give its participants the ability to live in the moment. What sounds like an
attainable goal, can cause just as much anxiety and discomfort while striving
for its advertised feelings of bliss and enlightenment.
For
myself, I first attempted practicing mindfulness during a beginner’s yoga
session, where the instructor invited the group to lay on our mats and simply
listen to the soothing sound of her meditation singing bowl. As I assume the
rest of the group drifted off to a higher state of consciousness, I found the lack of stimulation to be quite
overwhelming; if there is one thing I do not want to be left alone with, it’s
my trickster of a mind. I believe I am not alone when it comes to giving up the
reins of my attention to a reckless driver like my mind, mostly because minds
have a tendency to transport you to the vivid recesses of your memory when you
least expect it- or more importantly, welcome it.
What
could have been a pleasant Sunday morning spent surrounded by the fresh air of
a grassy park, getting a much needed escape from the confines of an office,
quickly turned into a mental slideshow of every embarrassing moment,
regrettable action, and disheartening situation I had ever experienced. With
the freedom for my mind to explore intentionally forgotten pathways leading to
undesirable places, I felt like my past was being exploited with some
unnecessarily sadistic motive. The worst part was that I felt an unsettling
loss of control as I was the perpetrator of such self-inflicted angst and was
still powerless to my own overpowering thoughts.
By
the end of the mindfulness session, leaving me anxiety-riddled, I was looking forward to getting back to my living
room, which acts as a panic room of sorts to disconnect from the unpleasantness
of the outside world, where my television could supply an effective dose of
distraction. What I couldn’t understand was that everyone else in the yoga
group appeared to be coming out of a deep sleep, looking fully rested and
rejuvenated, where I must have looked like I just witnessed a murder. Adding to
the state of disbelief as to how I could allow myself to let my toxic mind ruin
an otherwise healthy and fulfilling activity, I was beyond confused when I asked
my wife why the yoga instructor never used the meditation singing bowl. She
replied equally confused by saying that the bowl was used throughout the
session- adding that it was quite loud. Astonished by my lack of awareness, I
could not believe that I was so trapped by my own thoughts that my senses were
inadvertently shut off and I was deprived of what was supposed to accentuate
the feelings of bliss.
Rather
than be guided by the hypnotic sounds of the meditation singing bowl (which I
have since heard and is, in fact, remarkably soothing), my transcendental
experience followed a careless and impulsive leader. As I left the park,
disturbed by my inability to accept a tranquil state, I confessed to my wife
that I wasn’t able to be mindful and that perhaps yoga was not an appropriate
for me. Thankfully, she reassured me by saying that mindfulness is the act of
allowing thoughts to come in and out of your mind without resistance.
By doing this, you are
acknowledging both undesirable, as well as desirable memories and their
associated sentiments, which promote a deeper understanding of yourself. This
understanding can be used as a tool to come to terms with your past and present
by accepting the journey that led you to where you currently reside emotionally,
mentally, and spiritually. Due to the relief that resulted from my wife’s
well-timed explanation, I embraced what my mind had to show me and even thanked
myself for having the ability to reflect on past experiences. The only issue
with my mindfulness practice was that it was not the appropriate setting to
experience such feelings and relive unfavourable memories. As I have mentioned
in An Education in Trauma, I survived
a school shooting and have had trouble relaxing in public, especially crowded,
places, which makes meditation in a
public park somewhat of a struggle. So, it was a matter of finding a suitable
place to practice mindfulness, where I felt safe.
Although I do enjoy the
occasional yoga session for its physical health
benefits, I have found that I am better able to achieve mindfulness at the
gym. Personally, running on a treadmill at a set pace while my music playlist
guides my thoughts rather than an elusive meditation instrument, is much more
conducive to a state of impenetrable relaxation. As cardio raises my heart-rate
and blood pressure anyways, I don’t notice the elevation in either as a result
of anxiety-provoking thoughts. Another benefit of using the gym as a safe place
of contemplation is that the doors require a key fob to enter, which doesn’t
eliminate my anxieties concerns potential bodily harm, but it greatly reduces
it (at least in my mind). Therefore, exercise gives me the unmatched ability to
drift in and out of thought with little resistance to allow for therapeutic time with myself.
Even if exercise isn’t
exactly the perfect activity for you to feel safe enough to be alone with your
thoughts, I encourage you to explore different ways to engage your mind in a
healthy manner. Before allowing myself to explore mindfulness, I was at odds with my own mind and it caused a great
deal of distress. Now, I regard my ability to ruminate, recollect, and
fantasize as a gift given to me by my mind, acting as an ally, not as an enemy.
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