Living in a time when the concept of
marriage has become less of a life-long commitment and more of a short chapter
in the story of a person’s biography, the prevalence of divorce is higher than
ever. Possibly due to the shortening attention spans of the most recent
generations or because of our insatiable dissatisfaction with delayed
gratification, a lifetime of partnership seems to be endangered at the toxic
hands of debilitating indifference, easily procured infidelity, and a
disheartening lack of dedication. Although these vices have existed for as long
as faithfulness and love itself, broken relationships and marriages have never
been more glaring as they currently do in the twenty-first century.
There
was a time when children of divorce were forced to deal with the traumatizing
shift in family dynamic at an unfortunately young age- usually in elementary,
or at the very latest in high school. However, with the emergence of socially
disruptive mediums like Ashley Madison and Tinder indiscriminately invading the
older demographics, a lot of us are being left to deal with watching our middle-aged
parents separate in our twenties, thirties, and oddly enough, even forties. As
we naively enjoyed the comfort of a stable home throughout our formative years,
watching friends experience the turmoil of bouncing between two houses, the
thought of enduring that hardship never seemed plausible. Then, entering into adulthood,
we were filled with an unfounded sense of security as we optimistically assumed
that we had surpassed a fabricated window of time when parents were allowed to
reconsider their dedication to one another. Sadly, that window of time is apparently
non-existent and the dissolution of parental partnerships will forever be an
unnerving possibility.
Having
to deal with the reality that your parents did not have the perfect marriage,
nor did they provide you with the perfect example of how to develop a permanent
bond is quite disconcerting as a self-aware adult. It is undoubtedly easy to
imagine how difficult it would be for a child to react to the news of having to
celebrate the holidays in shifts or wrapping his or her developing mind around step-parents
and step-siblings. Recognizing that a substantial break in a household is
unspeakably trying on a youth, it must be said that it is complex for an adult
to process these same undesirable feelings. Acting on a different level of
complexity, adults internalize parental divorce with resentment and self-doubt-
different than children, who respond to their parents’ divorce with sadness.
Sharing
the exact same perception, most children and adults alike prefer to view their
parents’ marriage as being unconditional and everlasting. When a child
witnesses a flaw in that impenetrable love, it is common to infer culpability.
On the contrary, when an adult witnesses the same flaw in the worshiped
relationship on which personal values and beliefs are formed, it is common to
infer susceptibility. As adults, we are equipped with enough rationale to understand
that if we were able to weaken the strength of our parents’ love, we would have
effectively done so years earlier. Nevertheless, we cannot entirely avoid the
unwelcomed thought that our own relationships are susceptible to a definite
time frame since our image of a perfect marriage was anything but.
Regardless
of if we are entertaining the idea of abandoning independence in search for
true love, entering a meaningful relationship, or have already tied the
proverbial knot, evidence that marriage is not necessarily ideal for even the
most kismet of spirits, is dizzying. Troubled by the fear that we too are in
jeopardy of becoming a part of the dreaded fifty percent statistic of failed matrimonies,
it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if we allow that fear to invade our own
relationship. Even if the relationship was healthier than ever- elated by the
bliss of unwavering companionship- there is a chance that doubt might slip into
your mind.
Unfounded
by impractical projections of disappointment that should be directed towards
one or both of your parents, the biggest mistake an adult child of divorce can
make is to direct that angst towards their own partner. The generalization that
all relationships are doomed to fail at any unannounced time is one that will
expedite your own failed partnership. However difficult, realize that the
marriage shared by your parents stands alone and does not have the power to
predict or even influence your own. Though you might have adopted one or more
unhealthy relationship faults that would be best left in the recesses of your
memory, discarded along with other undesirable attributes embodied by your
younger self, attempt the impossible by utilizing misfortune as a learning
experience.
The
devastating truth is that the stability of marriage and long-term commitment
has been shaken by a minority of its participants choosing alternate life
plans. As to how optimistically or pessimistically we expect this statistic to
decline or increase over future generations would be engaging in an act of
futility. All a person can do in the face of watching their parents pursue
independent lives from one another is to consider the benefits of the new
arrangements. If it seems impossible to identify any benefits from the bleak
situation and you are understandably confused- not to mention frustrated- then
at least examine the unfortunate knowledge you have at your disposal.
Although
the silver lining of parental divorce is obstructed by the overt glare of
failure, simultaneously shadowed by the towering debris from the selfish demolition
of your fantasy of how a supposedly perfect marriage should be, simply look
harder. Easier said than accepted or even understood: you are not your parents.
Following what feels like a tragedy, reacting morosely to the news of your
parents’ divorce as if a family member had died, you will likely be subject to
a plethora of negative emotions. Whether or not you interpret these emotions
pragmatically will be a result of your unique personality and will ultimately
be at the mercy of your coping mechanisms, thereby beyond your direct control.
Therefore, the best you could do for yourself is to distance yourself from the
self-doubt and believe in the relationship you whole-heartedly want to succeed.
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